I Am My Own Worst Enemy

This past week I have been really thinking hard about my direction for the next year. I know there are things that I want to accomplish. I have been talking to some really great friends about this. Okay now, this is going to come as a shock to you.

I have had horrible self esteem. I would beat myself constantly. I have almost made myself a hermit.

Almost.

I have had a really bad past few years, mainly in the relationship area.  A lot of it stems from failed communications. I have a hard time expressing myself. This stems from being shut down while I was growing up, with no matter what I said. I was raised by my mother, and while she bought whatever she thought would make me happy, she never communicated or gave me a relationship. She responded in anger with everything. And though I thought I had worked through a lot of this issue........I've come to realize over the past year, that I still have issues with it. I'm still angry with things that happened over the past few years, and I have become my own worst enemy and put blocks up so that I can't get to the things that would make me happy.

So, I determined that I need to do several things to work on myself. I've been erratic with my workouts for the past few months. I am happy with my size now. I have went from a size 12/14 to a 6. I lost from 180 to 136. My knees are happier. My body is happier.

A few years back I contracted Lyme disease. After that, it seems that I had health problem after health problem. Digestive issues, allergies, female problems......on and on and on. It never got better, only worse. The doctors didn't help. Their answer was a hysterectomy, even though I didn't have cancer. Why couldn't they just fix what was obviously hormonal issues? I was walking around with a blood pressure that was 85/58 and I was blacking for a few seconds every time I stood up. I was having heart flutters. What does the doctor tell me? This: "oh, that's a runner's blood pressure, that's what you want"...........Um, okay. But I'm not a runner, so I'm pretty sure that it's wrong.

Turns out, my potassium was low. I figured that out myself. It got rid of both the heart flutters and the low blood pressure. How did I figure that out? I read on the internet. I started taking potassium and within a week I was feeling better. I had a host of other  issues.  I eventually figured out my thyroid was screwed up, my iron was low, and my estrogen was high. I have been tweaking these things for the past two/ three years and I finally feel like a living person again. This year is the best I have felt health wise. I also went on the Paleo diet. That helped my allergy/digestion issues. It enabled me to be able to stop taking the potassium and iron supplements. That is also how I lost the weight, which was mostly bloat.

So, in evaluating myself I discovered I still have blockages. I still have unwanted anger. I have low self-esteem, but I have to say, I have been working on this. I have wonderful friends that have helped me to see my own self-worth, and I am coming out of that.  This year, I will be working on these issues to help further myself. I will do this by:

1. Journaling at least 3 pages every day.
2. Meditation every day. I had gotten erratic with this. So this year, it is going to be an every day thing.
3. Rotate yoga/workout every day. I had also gotten erratic with this.
4. Organization/Schedule

I started reading Spirit Babies by Walter Makichen. I read that it is really good with chakra issues, so I got a used copy on Amazon. This morning I read the first chapter and something that really struck me was this passage:

"Say that because of previous experiences, your second, or navel, chakra has been conditioned to take in large amounts of antagonism from others. As a result, emotions like anger, jealousy, hatred or competition easily enter this chakra. Given this scenario, you might feel a constant sense of persecution- that everyone is against you- causing you to become overly defensive or, in contrast, overly anxious to please............................However, the negative energy flowing into the second chakra damages the intestines, which are interpenetrated by this chakra. Feeling a constant influx of antagonism from others can cause as much irritation in the intestines as drinking a half gallon of black coffee a day for weeks; thus the irritated colon."

Thank you Mr. Makichen.

I'll continue to read his book every day, along with the other things I am doing.

I can only make myself better. I will become my own best friend.